Mark Twain Quotes

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

I oppose millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me that position.
Mark Twain

Children and Christianity

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."

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A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

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After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys."

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One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

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A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Tolkien Quote

If you are interested in Latin or inventing languages, then you will find this quote by Tolkien to be funny.

We were listening to somebody lecturing on map-reading, or camp-hygeine, or the art of sticking a fellow through without (in defiance of Kipling) bothering who God sent the bill to; rather we were trying to avoid listening, though the Guards' English, and voice, is penetrating. The man next to me said suddenly in a dreamy voice: 'Yes, I think I shall express the accusative case by a prefix!'

from the essay "A Secret Vice", J.R.R. Tolkien

Failure

"Men succeed when they realize that their failures are the preparation for their victories."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

No Pain, No Gain

"No pain, no gain." Many would praise the author of this saying for his wisdom in recognizing that pain is neccessary before great achievements will be made.

Without discipline, pain, and sweat, we will fail to achieve anything.

When we are fearful of the difficulty and pain of a task, we will tend to put it off or not give it our best effort. Truly, this will make us slothful and lazy. Just as a soldier must endure hardship, fear, and possibly death to accomplish his mission, so must we endure the difficulties of an action to accomplish our task. If the soldier were not willing to endure these trials, he would fail to accomplish his mission, and maybe cause his side to lose the battle.

Born in 1824, Stonewall Jackson lived his early life with much pain, work, and hardship. When he was a child, both his father and mother died, causing him to be forced to live with a cruel uncle and provide for himself. Because he went without a formal education, he had to work much harder than any other cadet at West Point. Yet, because of his work, he was able to accomplish much in his life, including being a magnificent general in the Civil War.

Rudyard Kipling, speaking of his home, wrote, "Our England is a garden, and such gardens are not made by singing: -- 'Oh, how beautiful!' and sitting in the shade."

Because accomplishments do not come without some measure of pain, we must be ready to endure the pain if we wish to accomplish great acts.

It's a Bird. It's a Plane. No, It's...Jet-Man?

Before the Wright Brothers, man was interested in flying like a bird, but could not succeed. Well, Jet-Man has done the impossible.

Work is Play

What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it. Who was it who said, "Blessed is the man who has found his work"? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work--not somebody else's work. The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man's work and cannot lose it. When we talk about the great workers of the world we really mean the great players of the world. The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual or physical, can never be great.

Mark Twain

Humbleness in Persecution

In Athens, every free man was allowed to write the name of the person he desired to ostracize on a potsherd and drop it into an urn. An illiterate Athenian approached Aristides the Just, and asked him to write a name on the potsherd for him. Kindly, Aristides asked him what name he wanted written. The man, not recognizing Aristides, replied, "Aristides." When the startled Aristides asked the man why, he said, "I am sick and tired of hearing him called 'the Just.'" Silently, Aristides wrote his own name on the shard and returned it to the man.

Aristides is praised for his wisdom and justice in every situation. In the battle of the Marathon, he gave up control of the army to Miltiades, a man whom Aristides believed was a better general. When he attempted to get a bill passed in Athens, he heard good reasons to vote against it. This caused him to speak against his own bill.

This anecdote teaches us that whenever we are faced with foolish persecution, we are to be humble and truthful. Our first reaction is usually anger, but it is wiser to be humble when faced with absurd charges, for that is the example Christ has given us. Although we are sinful, we are to always follow the example Christ set for us.

In this anecdote, Aristides conveys the idea that humbleness in the face of foolish persecution is admirable.

If we are calm and humble when absurd charges are presented against us, many people will believe the charges to be bizarre and discount them.

On the other hand, if we lose our temper, others will suspect that we are angry
because the charges are true and join our prosecutor.

Just as it is with humility in persecution, so also was it with the early Church martyrs and their persecutors. When ordered to deny Christ and worship Caesar, the martyrs, although they were going to their deaths, were humble and stayed faithful to their Savior.

In the Old Testament of Scripture, Daniel was cast into the lion's den on account of an absurd law. Yet he was humble and the Lord delivered him from his oppression.

The famous German philosopher and political thinker, Ernest Moritz Arndt, said, "Only those who feel little in the eyes of God, can hope to be mighty in the eyes of man."

After benefiting from Aristide's teaching, we must be humble, no matter what happens, even in the face of foolish persecution so that we may glorify God.